I first realized it when I ended up hanging out with a couple of my sister's friends. Actually, I didn't even notice it. She called me out on it.
Another time was with a few fellow leadership members. Although I noticed that time, I saw the others doing it, too.
As I think back, I struggled with seeing others do this. A leader I knew from camp would perform this way, and it left me with a deep sense of distrust and confusion.
You see, sometimes people act different in different settings. With my sister's friends, I was making inappropriate jokes and laughing with them to fit in. Leaders and I were acting in ways we never would have acted around the kids. A leader from camp would be mentoring kids during the day, but at night would tempt me to do things I shouldn't. We have all these versions of ourselves. It's no wonder teachers and parents are surprised at a child's actions, but the child's friends predicted it happening long ago.
As a Christ-follower, we need to continually have our thoughts and actions reflect Christ. Christ is constant - He doesn't change his values based on who He is around, He doesn't become this separate person. He definitely doesn't sin just when the pastor isn't watching, or when He is alone. He never sinned, no matter the situation. When we profess to be a Christ-follower, everything we do must reflect Christ. We are His witness to the world.
I come to you with this out of my own sin. My own testimony tainted the image of what it meant to be with Christ. I actively lived a double life, having one all my Christian friends knew about and praised me for (the Africa Tori) and the one around everyone who it "didn't matter". While I would lead Jr High small group girls or get ready for my next mission trip over seas, I was dabbling in my pleasures of the flesh to satisfy my own desires, outside of Christ.
If I couldn't give my whole life, every minute, every conversation and action, as an example of what it meant to follow Christ in our day to day life... Then I failed in what it meant to be a Christian. As I purposely committed these sins, knowing full well I shouldn't, I was shaming God's name to all, the most of which to those involved.
I am not saying a Christian will never sin. We know full well to have a sin problem, a problem we cannot overcome and that Christ saved us. What I was doing was actively and knowingly turning my back on what God wanted for me in these moments of weakness, when I needed Him the most and He could have revealed His glory to me and through me, I allowed to be overcome by sin.
I chose darkness.
Instead of crying out to God to save me, to renew my mind to His thoughts and the truth, I gave in to the "quick fix" of my desire. While I could give you the correct, Godly answers on what I should do, what would ultimately work out for God's glory and the better in the long run, I was just not caring. Which in itself was pride, thinking I knew better than God's great plan for my life. In some ways, my church upbringing made it easier to hide, because I knew just the right way to act around the right people. I disrespected those I sinned with, because I was saying they were just objects and they didn't matter as to their ultimate opinion of me. They were just there to fulfill a desire. They are a person loved by Christ every bit as much as I am. As I tainted God's image to them, I can only pray my actions will not be a hindrance to their ultimate union with Christ.
I am sorry to those I drew down the path of destruction with me. I am sorry I disrespected you and thought of you as less.
I am sorry to those who my witness hindered your growth in Christ or your union with Christ.
I am sorry that I lived so many versions of myself. I am sorry for my lies in word and action to authority and leaders, as well as the hypocrisy I had in teaching those entrusted to me.
I am sorry to have shamed the name of Christ through my sin and choices. God, I ask for your forgiveness and to accept me back into your arms again.
I promise to renew my thoughts and actions align with Christ's and to bow my desires to His throne. I promise the Victoria each of you sees will soon be the one everyone sees. I promise this Victoria will be led in every deed by Christ's will and love, that this version of me will be the best it can be.
Christ's version is, the best version of Me.
