Not Enough

These last few days, I haven't been enough.

I got a D on a bio test. I needed an A. 

I didn't go to church and missed my nursery shift.

I didn't show love to my dog as much as I could before she passed away.

I broke my laptop, with no idea how to fix it (although a friend is trying), and finals are around the corner.

I found out textbooks are going to cost close to $300 for next semester.

On a phone call from home, I listened as a concerned family member questioned my weight and eating habits.

I've been staying up really late and waking up late to get to work.

Today, I especially wasn't enough. 

I don't have my own vehicle to get me where I'm expected to be.

At the doctor's office, I found out I gained forty pounds in the last six months. 

I almost passed out getting blood drawn, as whatever is causing my headaches and other health issues still hasn't been figured out.

I got the call those results were normal, so we still don't know what's going on. 

I had to get my insurance renewed, by proving I don't make enough to qualify for any other insurance.

I'm currently typing on a laptop the size of a textbook, running Windows XP.

I knew I had gained weight... but part of it wasn't real until I renewed my license today, and had to tell them I weighed fifty pounds more than my license currently says.

I forgot to bring home clothes from school, forgetting I don't have any pants here. 

The pants I did find? No longer fit. 

As I looked in the mirror, trying to figure out what to wear to see family tomorrow... I knew I wasn't enough. 

Although I was avoiding soda the last few weeks, it wasn't enough.

Although I walk everywhere in town, it hasn't been enough.

Although I sleep eight hours a night, that still hasn't been enough.

Although I washed/moisturized/medicated my acne, it hasn't been enough.

Although I try to eat healthy on campus and not snack, it hasn't been enough.

Although I try to act like I don't care about my weight or what I look like... it hasn't been enough.

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At this point, my religious upbringing chants with memorized phrases of comfort. From God being enough for me to being made in His image. That I can't do anything on my own strength anyway, and I need God in order to do all things. That if I pray more, devote more, have more self control, then it would be enough. That God has a plan in all things. That I am more than my outward appearance or how others see me. That beauty is from the heart and not the flesh. 

While these phrases have a purpose in various times, I don't think these lessons are the one's God has for me, this moment. He has taught me them before and some will surely come again. Yet in this moment... it's a different lesson. A new perspective.

So often, our feelings are given a moral compass. That to be sad or mad is bad, happy and excited are good. Perhaps your upbringing even went to assign a spiritual aspect to your feelings. Such as when one is joyful or content, then they are obviously right with God. Or when feels insecure, depressed, or inadequate, then a crisis in their faith is evident. 

But does this have Biblical evidence? Is this line of thinking routed in Truth, or has it been society's way of corralling the masses for the benefit of many?

As I felt inadequate, an accompanying feeling of guilt washed over me. In a way, my mind was assigning a moral standing to my feeling as being wrong and sinful. This led to the feeling of guilt and its subsequent need to absolve such feeling by way of forgiveness and change. Yet is this the right response to my realization of not being enough?

As I search the Scriptures (and encourage you to do - don't just take my word for it, but seek it out yourself), I find psalms where the writer feels inadequate. Where he questions God, pleading with him. Making his case that surely he has done enough, surely life should be different... but as the tone portrays, all is not well. His actions have not been enough. 

Let me pause here and clarify an aspect. 

We are all sinners. So yes, we are not enough to save ourselves from the punishment of sin, which is death.

Yet....

God created us. As Psalm 139 says, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. So in this way, we are worthy of God's saving grace, yet also undeserving because of our sinful nature.

I am not saying I am inadequate. My identity is not inadequacy, my identity and soul are enough. 

What I propose is to affirm and validate feelings of inadequacy. Feeling as though you are not enough. 

The Psalmists, as one continues to read, displayed every emotion one can think of. From peace, joy, and praise, to sadness, anger, love, and depression... guilt, nervousness, shame, honor, romance, comfort... the list goes on and on. Each emotion, every feeling, is valid in its own right. As I learned this last week in class (conveniently called Motivation and Emotion... Thanks, God), emotions serve an evolutionary purpose to tell us when something is right and when something is not right. When things are going okay, or when things need to change. In this, a feeling is never wrong - at times it may be inaccurate, but there is always a reason you are feeling the way you are feeling. Whether its a misconception, messed up hormones, or actual wrongdoing, emotions tell us something needs to change. God gave us the gift of emotions, so why would some be morally reprehensible?

I also propose, as I just realized... That although my actions are not enough, I need to not let that define who I am in my being. 

The truth is (as evident by my weight gain), I haven't been eating right. I haven't been exercising how I should. My actions have not been enough to maintain a healthy body and continue to fit into my clothes.

However, my actions do not determine my worth. My enoughness. God already determined how valuable I am to Him when He sent His son to the cross. 

So even though I was not enough today, I am still a Daughter of the Risen King. 

He cradles me as I cry in my feelings, allowing me to learn this valuable lesson from Him. Because feelings are not wrong. Feelings are valid. They are a tool to be used rightly for interpretation and learning, because without my feelings of inadequacy, I would not learn this lesson today.

My distinction of actions and soul would not be so evident.

The defining factors in my worth would not be so clear. 

I am motivated to change my unhealthy habits and work to take care of my body, just as Christ desires for me to care for myself and my body. 

And a blog entry is a wonderful method to think clearly and put Truth back into perspective.

Present from Heaven

  God gave me gift today.

I know He does this all the time for me, from a beautiful sunset to my car running how it should. He keeps me safe and healthy and while if you were to ask, I would tell you He is there for me. That He loves me.

 I'd been ignoring His gifts, the wonderful gifts He kept trying to lavish and love me with. I let sadness and grief overtake me I desired for a Godly man to take the place of Christ.

Yet He continued to pursue me and in one moment, I was blessed beyond imagine.

A few weeks ago, I had reorganized my room and found, under my bed, an unmarked CD. Figuring I'd check it out later, it has sat on my dresser since then, when today, after a crying session, God knew what I needed to hear from Him.

My IPod sat playing on shuffle as I slid the disk in. As the files loaded and the first pictures skipped across my view, this song played:

The first time I truly heard this song... was in the middle of a field, just God and me. I remember taking my shoes off and dancing with Him underneath the stars, the dew slicking my feet as I spun around in the grass. I was reminded of the intimacy no man can ever establish, this intimacy I can experience with my Lord and Savior that is sufficient for all days.

I was reminded of how my Father and my Lover think of me. As I saw the pictures of me, I heard God saying how beautiful I really am and how proud He is of my endeavors and growth over the last few years. I felt His forgiveness as my soul rushed back to the embrace of my Lover, the one who sees me as constantly beautiful and His beloved.


While I vaguely remember having these photos taken (and I laugh because at the time I wasn't even considering Cedarville), I had truly forgotten about them. God knew when I would need these photos again, He knew the perfect moment to bask me in His love, to remind me of my beauty, and His grace for me.


Not everything will be perfect. I may even cry again tonight, but I am firmly reminded of the hope in me by Christ. The struggles aren't gone. I still lack community and deep friendships to thrive within, but my trust in Christ remains as I continue to pray and seek His guidance in these things. He's reminded me He is always there, no matter how isolated and alone the enemy attempts to make me feel.

May all the praise and glory be His and my actions serve to further His name, for there is no greater thanks I can give towards Christ in response to the glorious gifts He has granted me than for others to experience an intimate relationship with Him.

Thanks, God