A Piece of My Heart

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.


Hebrews 12:1-3


The summer has been long, with a wide mix of emotions. Here I am, about to start my final week of camp. By God's strength, I've endured. I remember, about two or three weeks ago, I was feeling done and ready to go home. I never thought I'd make it to the end. The problems and tasks seemed so big, God felt so far. What I thought I was hearing from Him wasn't what was occurring. Trial after trial came after us, issues I've never dealt with in all of my camp ministry experience, and we wrestled with whether God wanted us to continue to endure our trials, pushing through them in the only ways we knew how, or if God was trying to shut doors we were shoving open. Personally I struggled with this, as I became sick from the stress, lost my best friend here because she decided she was done, and was lost without knowing how to improve or move forward. I struggled with feeling as though I was in an unhealthy environment, and whether I needed to take of myself, or push through. As I talked to my Dad, he reminded me about the disciples, Paul, and martyrs around the world - they weren't always in the healthiest of environments either. But God asked them to continue to lean on Him, and He will be faithful to His promises. I knew deep in my heart God had called me to this ministry. In the last week, as I pushed into Christ and the relationships around me, something new happened. Where I slammed a door shut two weeks ago with a possible future, God was slowly nudging open and showing me how I could trust Him. How what I was doing was making a difference, and how He isn't done yet. I had one final struggle (so far) though. I was empty, exhausted, and tired of taking care of everyone else. Any weekend event, I was the one responsible for everyone. All through the week, I was an intense part of keeping camp running so the counselors could focus on their kids, and as I was over young teenagers, at times I felt like a counselor myself as I worked through their problems with them. While I am so thankful for the opportunities God is giving me, to continue to pour into others, with the leaving of my best friend and one-on-one person... I was struggling to be fed. Every moment seemed like I was giving to someone else.


So yesterday, I set my boundaries and pulled back. Calling it my "no responsibility" day, I hung out in my bed. I realized I was trying to run the race God has given me, but I was trying to run it by myself. We have a policy here at camp, that when you go running, you take a partner. Today, during church service, I realized I needed to acknowledge my running partner in God, and not just continue the path on my own. He held my water and good shoes. He provides my breeze and easy trail. On the hard trails, He's there right beside me. Yesterday, into today, God not only gave me opportunities to be productive, but provided ways for me to relax. I started and finished a book, relaxing in reading wasn't something I had time for at all earlier in the summer. I was able to practice guitar a little, something else I was really missing in my busy day. I got ahead on some paperwork, folded majority of the camp laundry, and reorganized the laundry room so it wasn't daunting for everyone. I found time with a friend, as we spontaneously went swimming in our clothes and I kept dunking her because she couldn't dunk me. In all these things, I felt my spirit being filled and my hope grow. The big issues I saw, my piles of laundry and things to do, started to not seem so daunting to myself, either.


I could not believe how much God had renewed my energy. This morning, I went with some camp people to my favorite church here. It was such a relief to not feel like I had to take charge, and that we could just be a small group of friends hanging out. While in service, the pastor talked about finishing the race, with God, in intimacy with Him. How intimacy with God creates dependence on Him, leading to obedience to His voice, which ultimately leads us to joy. I realized how this summer, I was lacking joy as I thought I had my job all together, because I wasn't doing it with God. I lost sight of God wanting a say in how I managed dishes or the laundry. I saw my side of camp life as material and lacking need for the Spirit. There were times when I wouldn't give my all because I was tired, or I was hot, or it was "good enough". But God gave me a will and a renewed spirit today. I came home from church ready to continue doing laundry, cleaning up to start a new week, and finished up a few projects I kept putting off because they "weren't a huge deal". While I would normally feel exhausted, especially with how hot and humid it is, I feel joy and appreciation in getting jobs accomplished.


God showed up in another way, too. We sang the first song in worship today, and I just wasn't feeling it. At the church I go to, they only open with one song, with most of their worship at the end. I was partly scared I wouldn't have the spirit filling I needed before the start of this week. After the first song, I was just praying God would give me the experience I needed with His Spirit today. The church service continued with the fantabulous message I already talked about, but God wasn't done yet. In the last time of worship, God continued to show me pieces of Himself. Even when I can't see God, He is constant, and I need to remember His goodness, not only relying on how I feel Him in the moment, but on His promises, because His promises are always true. I was reminded of times in the past when I just felt completely embraced by God, Whether it was dancing with Him in the cornfields or seeing His beauty in a child... my God is constant, and His promises are always true, continuing to be true. The God I encountered in these Spirit filled moments is the same God I seek after in the valley of emptiness, and He will fill me again as I seek after Him.


After church, we always have an altar call of prayer time. As my time here comes to an end, I'm wondering exactly what to do next. I have some vague answers, but not any complete. As I was asking God if He wanted me to seek prayer, He said no. Don't do the altar call and ask Me to give the prayer team answers to give you. I realized I hadn't been in much prayer myself regarding this fall, and God wanted me to seek after Him myself, because He wanted to share His great plans with me. I was reminded again of how God wants an intimate relationship with me, to share His surprises and plans in my life with me. While prayer with others and for others is important, we can't forget to seek after God for ourselves, too.


As I have such a strong link to my church home here, I feel God has taught me what home really is. I would always laugh at myself as I referred to everywhere as home, whether in Madison, Uganda, Kenya, Galesburg, or Rolla, I would make so many comments about "when we get home" or "its at home" and the people around me would have to clarify where I meant, typically being back at where ever I was sleeping for the time. I see home as being where God wants me to be, and I'm thankful He has given me such a love, acceptance, and belonging in each place that I feel safe enough to call each of my adventures "home". I realized how thankful I am to have so many homes, so many places I belong, as I minister to kids who sometimes feel they have no home or place to go. So as I head home to Galesburg in a week... it hurts to be leaving home, too, and continue to pray for those who have no home to find the place they belong.






I know, this blog is a little more rambling and sporadic than most of my posts, with more topics and points than I would normally put, and still a few I left out, but I feel God wanted me to share all of it. Whether one piece or all affect you or not, I do pray something stands out, and I know God has a reason for it, if nothing other than for me to process the things He has done in these last few days. I have left a piece of my heart here, but have gained so much in return.


You're fantastic and amazing!

One Last Bag of Viva

Viva is one of my favorite foods. The trouble? This delicious cereal (though I eat it like candy) is only available in Europe, specifically purchased by me in Romania. When I went almost a year ago, I brought home something like 12 bags of this heaven on earth. A day or two would go by, and I'd eat some more. Share it with friends or give it to my fellow Romania travelers, having already run out of their stash. Slowly, my pile decreased, until only one bag of chocolaty goodness remained.

I remember thinking I would use it to celebrate. Something. Maybe I'd open it at new year's, but that passed by with me wanting to have it on the day I left for Africa instead. Then, I thought, this bag will taste even better if I waited until I got HOME from Africa, as that'd be a great accomplishment. Upon coming home, though, I pushed off the award for something else. And then other events would pass by, and I always would put the bag away, thinking the next accomplishment would be truly worth the prize.

Having brought the bag with me to camp, I thought I would use it to celebrate the first successful week with campers. The week passed by, and I decided I would enjoy my last bag on a rainy day, as a pick me up instead, as a reward of having made it through a day I struggled.

As days have passed, some more stressful then others, others more stressful than that, the bag lays in my secret food stash. Every night, I justify myself in why I could open my last bag of Viva. This happened, this broke, I'm sick, I'm grieving.... but each night, I remembered how I made it through, and how days will be better. How this honestly was not the worst day ever, and how more things could have gone wrong, but didn't. I remember the little joys, of a baby held or the face on my staff when they learn a new skill. So I put the bag away, close the chapter of the day, and look forward to the sunrise of a new story, with some new adventure.

Although, at the end of this summer... I better enjoy the bag of Viva before what was fantastic turns into a stomach ache :)