Not Enough

These last few days, I haven't been enough.

I got a D on a bio test. I needed an A. 

I didn't go to church and missed my nursery shift.

I didn't show love to my dog as much as I could before she passed away.

I broke my laptop, with no idea how to fix it (although a friend is trying), and finals are around the corner.

I found out textbooks are going to cost close to $300 for next semester.

On a phone call from home, I listened as a concerned family member questioned my weight and eating habits.

I've been staying up really late and waking up late to get to work.

Today, I especially wasn't enough. 

I don't have my own vehicle to get me where I'm expected to be.

At the doctor's office, I found out I gained forty pounds in the last six months. 

I almost passed out getting blood drawn, as whatever is causing my headaches and other health issues still hasn't been figured out.

I got the call those results were normal, so we still don't know what's going on. 

I had to get my insurance renewed, by proving I don't make enough to qualify for any other insurance.

I'm currently typing on a laptop the size of a textbook, running Windows XP.

I knew I had gained weight... but part of it wasn't real until I renewed my license today, and had to tell them I weighed fifty pounds more than my license currently says.

I forgot to bring home clothes from school, forgetting I don't have any pants here. 

The pants I did find? No longer fit. 

As I looked in the mirror, trying to figure out what to wear to see family tomorrow... I knew I wasn't enough. 

Although I was avoiding soda the last few weeks, it wasn't enough.

Although I walk everywhere in town, it hasn't been enough.

Although I sleep eight hours a night, that still hasn't been enough.

Although I washed/moisturized/medicated my acne, it hasn't been enough.

Although I try to eat healthy on campus and not snack, it hasn't been enough.

Although I try to act like I don't care about my weight or what I look like... it hasn't been enough.

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At this point, my religious upbringing chants with memorized phrases of comfort. From God being enough for me to being made in His image. That I can't do anything on my own strength anyway, and I need God in order to do all things. That if I pray more, devote more, have more self control, then it would be enough. That God has a plan in all things. That I am more than my outward appearance or how others see me. That beauty is from the heart and not the flesh. 

While these phrases have a purpose in various times, I don't think these lessons are the one's God has for me, this moment. He has taught me them before and some will surely come again. Yet in this moment... it's a different lesson. A new perspective.

So often, our feelings are given a moral compass. That to be sad or mad is bad, happy and excited are good. Perhaps your upbringing even went to assign a spiritual aspect to your feelings. Such as when one is joyful or content, then they are obviously right with God. Or when feels insecure, depressed, or inadequate, then a crisis in their faith is evident. 

But does this have Biblical evidence? Is this line of thinking routed in Truth, or has it been society's way of corralling the masses for the benefit of many?

As I felt inadequate, an accompanying feeling of guilt washed over me. In a way, my mind was assigning a moral standing to my feeling as being wrong and sinful. This led to the feeling of guilt and its subsequent need to absolve such feeling by way of forgiveness and change. Yet is this the right response to my realization of not being enough?

As I search the Scriptures (and encourage you to do - don't just take my word for it, but seek it out yourself), I find psalms where the writer feels inadequate. Where he questions God, pleading with him. Making his case that surely he has done enough, surely life should be different... but as the tone portrays, all is not well. His actions have not been enough. 

Let me pause here and clarify an aspect. 

We are all sinners. So yes, we are not enough to save ourselves from the punishment of sin, which is death.

Yet....

God created us. As Psalm 139 says, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. So in this way, we are worthy of God's saving grace, yet also undeserving because of our sinful nature.

I am not saying I am inadequate. My identity is not inadequacy, my identity and soul are enough. 

What I propose is to affirm and validate feelings of inadequacy. Feeling as though you are not enough. 

The Psalmists, as one continues to read, displayed every emotion one can think of. From peace, joy, and praise, to sadness, anger, love, and depression... guilt, nervousness, shame, honor, romance, comfort... the list goes on and on. Each emotion, every feeling, is valid in its own right. As I learned this last week in class (conveniently called Motivation and Emotion... Thanks, God), emotions serve an evolutionary purpose to tell us when something is right and when something is not right. When things are going okay, or when things need to change. In this, a feeling is never wrong - at times it may be inaccurate, but there is always a reason you are feeling the way you are feeling. Whether its a misconception, messed up hormones, or actual wrongdoing, emotions tell us something needs to change. God gave us the gift of emotions, so why would some be morally reprehensible?

I also propose, as I just realized... That although my actions are not enough, I need to not let that define who I am in my being. 

The truth is (as evident by my weight gain), I haven't been eating right. I haven't been exercising how I should. My actions have not been enough to maintain a healthy body and continue to fit into my clothes.

However, my actions do not determine my worth. My enoughness. God already determined how valuable I am to Him when He sent His son to the cross. 

So even though I was not enough today, I am still a Daughter of the Risen King. 

He cradles me as I cry in my feelings, allowing me to learn this valuable lesson from Him. Because feelings are not wrong. Feelings are valid. They are a tool to be used rightly for interpretation and learning, because without my feelings of inadequacy, I would not learn this lesson today.

My distinction of actions and soul would not be so evident.

The defining factors in my worth would not be so clear. 

I am motivated to change my unhealthy habits and work to take care of my body, just as Christ desires for me to care for myself and my body. 

And a blog entry is a wonderful method to think clearly and put Truth back into perspective.

Present from Heaven

  God gave me gift today.

I know He does this all the time for me, from a beautiful sunset to my car running how it should. He keeps me safe and healthy and while if you were to ask, I would tell you He is there for me. That He loves me.

 I'd been ignoring His gifts, the wonderful gifts He kept trying to lavish and love me with. I let sadness and grief overtake me I desired for a Godly man to take the place of Christ.

Yet He continued to pursue me and in one moment, I was blessed beyond imagine.

A few weeks ago, I had reorganized my room and found, under my bed, an unmarked CD. Figuring I'd check it out later, it has sat on my dresser since then, when today, after a crying session, God knew what I needed to hear from Him.

My IPod sat playing on shuffle as I slid the disk in. As the files loaded and the first pictures skipped across my view, this song played:

The first time I truly heard this song... was in the middle of a field, just God and me. I remember taking my shoes off and dancing with Him underneath the stars, the dew slicking my feet as I spun around in the grass. I was reminded of the intimacy no man can ever establish, this intimacy I can experience with my Lord and Savior that is sufficient for all days.

I was reminded of how my Father and my Lover think of me. As I saw the pictures of me, I heard God saying how beautiful I really am and how proud He is of my endeavors and growth over the last few years. I felt His forgiveness as my soul rushed back to the embrace of my Lover, the one who sees me as constantly beautiful and His beloved.


While I vaguely remember having these photos taken (and I laugh because at the time I wasn't even considering Cedarville), I had truly forgotten about them. God knew when I would need these photos again, He knew the perfect moment to bask me in His love, to remind me of my beauty, and His grace for me.


Not everything will be perfect. I may even cry again tonight, but I am firmly reminded of the hope in me by Christ. The struggles aren't gone. I still lack community and deep friendships to thrive within, but my trust in Christ remains as I continue to pray and seek His guidance in these things. He's reminded me He is always there, no matter how isolated and alone the enemy attempts to make me feel.

May all the praise and glory be His and my actions serve to further His name, for there is no greater thanks I can give towards Christ in response to the glorious gifts He has granted me than for others to experience an intimate relationship with Him.

Thanks, God

2015

A year's gone by. I am so amazed by all the wonderful, crazy happenings and events of the last year.
Right off the bat, I was headed to Uganda and Kenya for two months of uncertainty, God's grace, and miracles. What remains with me the most is how vast God's creativity and glory is. How we can all experience Him, and how there is not only one way to worship and glorify His name. It was here I first remember recognizing my love for urban ministry and truly embarking on the journey I'm on today.
After my graduation from YWAM, I found myself working two months or so back at Dairy Queen, where I had been for about three years. I can honestly say I can't pinpoint any specific memories of those shifts, but I remember being back to worship at my home church, being able to help out at the Faith Bible Camp retreats, and my sister's graduation from high school. I volunteered at a local library, starting what I think may be my longest lasting project as I continued, today, with assigning genres to every book in the collection. During this time, I focused on just being with God and what that was like in the everyday world. I was able to serve and help those around me, because I had only a few commitments. It was a time of rest and peace for me, which I didn't fully take advantage of because only God knew what the next ten weeks held.
The end of May through August 1st, I lived in Rolla, Missouri working at Camp David of the Ozarks. As a support staff leader, I worked all day with six hours of sleep a night, and barely enough time to myself to take a shower. Halfway through the summer, I was blessed by another member joining our team, who was able to supervise my staff for an hour or so a day so I could get some alone time. I honestly saw him as a complete angel from God, because without this extra person, I would have gone absolutely crazy, but God provided exactly what I needed. That was probably the biggest lesson of my summer, that God is always there and He will always provide. In the midst of lice and bed bugs (both of which now eradicated), two horses passing away, broken showers and washers and dryers, almost not having a nurse a few weeks, mowers and other equipment breaking, pipes in the dish room backing up due to grease build up, getting chased by a snake, plus a few other surprises I'm probably forgetting, God was always there to give patience, health, ideas, wisdom, a person, a need, among so much else that only he could have provided and cared for. I learned I definitely was not doing my jobs based on my strength, but based on God's. I also learned that He will place me exactly where I am needed, because this summer was the first summer camp ran across lice, and I happened to be a lice expert, having combed through my own hair and my sister's many a time when we were younger and other various instances, when no one else had even seen the annoying little critter before. This is only one example of a time when I saw a unique strength of mine be needed and was able to use it to help the camp function and achieve our goal of reaching children of prisoners, so I know God meant for me to be there.
Recently, since August, things have been slow. Well, slow for me anyway. My first semester of community college went by easily, as I finished with a 4.0 for the semester. I'm working at the college library and continue to babysit, as well as work nursery at Mom 2 Mom and volunteer with Junior High ministry. I've been counseling the retreats at camp and recently helped plan a college retreat, the second one camp has had. Personally, I am starting to learn what it means to initiate spiritual conversations and to be responsible for my own growth and faith, to seek out challenge and help. In this, I sought to find a college ministry, but have not yet in my area. I also prayed for a mentor and God provided me with a fantastic woman who has been challenging me to answer the real questions and to see my true self in the mirror. I'm learning to be diligent in my devotions and self disciplined, because quiet time in life isn't mandated by the world or structured into the schedule.. I have to set aside time for God, and it can be so easy to let other things get in the way.
As I think on to this next year, I hesitate to even reflect on what little plans I do have, because I know how quick and positive God can change them. Currently I am scheduled for spring semester at Carl Sandburg College, and I have the intent to transfer somewhere else next fall, to study Urban ministry/studies and social work. I don't know what college yet, but I currently have 11 applications out, so something should come through! With summer, I am waiting for a yes or no answer to an application I sent to a Christian organization that does work in urban cities all over the United States. I have undergone the second interview and will find out after the holidays of my acceptance or not.
The overarching theme of the last year, in my life, has been relationships and community. I started out the year fearful of friendships and of people, waiting for them to give up on me or lie to me because of some instances that happened near the end of 2014. I didn't want to trust anyone or give them a piece of my heart, because it could so quickly and without warning be lost. I had to learn this wasn't a reflection on me, that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I learned to be confident in how God made me and in my Savior and the Spirit's guidance. I learned that relationships come and go, that personalities are different and that means all relationships will look different. While I wish I had a friend that dated longer than a year or two, I'm at peace with it and don't blame myself. Some people come and go in life, following the plan God has for us all.
3 countries and 9 states (I think) later, 2015 comes to a close. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen in this next year and don't have a clue about where I will be a year from now, but I am excited for a continuation of the journey Christ is leading me on.
Thank you for all of your continued prayers!
Merry Christmas, and a Safe and Happy New Year

Victoria

Best Version of Me

I first realized it when I ended up hanging out with a couple of my sister's friends. Actually, I didn't even notice it. She called me out on it.

Another time was with a few fellow leadership members. Although I noticed that time, I saw the others doing it, too.

As I think back, I struggled with seeing others do this. A leader I knew from camp would perform this way, and it left me with a deep sense of distrust and confusion.

You see, sometimes people act different in different settings. With my sister's friends, I was making inappropriate jokes and laughing with them to fit in. Leaders and I were acting in ways we never would have acted around the kids. A leader from camp would be mentoring kids during the day, but at night would tempt me to do things I shouldn't. We have all these versions of ourselves. It's no wonder teachers and parents are surprised at a child's actions, but the child's friends predicted it happening long ago.

As a Christ-follower, we need to continually have our thoughts and actions reflect Christ. Christ is constant - He doesn't change his values based on who He is around, He doesn't become this separate person. He definitely doesn't sin just when the pastor isn't watching, or when He is alone. He never sinned, no matter the situation. When we profess to be a Christ-follower, everything we do must reflect Christ. We are His witness to the world.

I come to you with this out of my own sin. My own testimony tainted the image of what it meant to be with Christ. I actively lived a double life, having one all my Christian friends knew about and praised me for (the Africa Tori) and the one around everyone who it "didn't matter". While I would lead Jr High small group girls or get ready for my next mission trip over seas, I was dabbling in my pleasures of the flesh to satisfy my own desires, outside of Christ.

If I couldn't give my whole life, every minute, every conversation and action, as an example of what it meant to follow Christ in our day to day life... Then I failed in what it meant to be a Christian. As I purposely committed these sins, knowing full well I shouldn't, I was shaming God's name to all, the most of which to those involved.

I am not saying a Christian will never sin. We know full well to have a sin problem, a problem we cannot overcome and that Christ saved us. What I was doing was actively and knowingly turning my back on what God wanted for me in these moments of weakness, when I needed Him the most and He could have revealed His glory to me and through me, I allowed to be overcome by sin.

I chose darkness.

Instead of crying out to God to save me, to renew my mind to His thoughts and the truth, I gave in to the "quick fix" of my desire. While I could give you the correct, Godly answers on what I should do, what would ultimately work out for God's glory and the better in the long run, I was just not caring. Which in itself was pride, thinking I knew better than God's great plan for my life. In some ways, my church upbringing made it easier to hide, because I knew just the right way to act around the right people. I disrespected those I sinned with, because I was saying they were just objects and they didn't matter as to their ultimate opinion of me. They were just there to fulfill a desire. They are a person loved by Christ every bit as much as I am. As I tainted God's image to them, I can only pray my actions will not be a hindrance to their ultimate union with Christ.

I am sorry to those I drew down the path of destruction with me. I am sorry I disrespected you and thought of you as less.

I am sorry to those who my witness hindered your growth in Christ or your union with Christ.

I am sorry that I lived so many versions of myself. I am sorry for my lies in word and action to authority and leaders, as well as the hypocrisy I had in teaching those entrusted to me.

I am sorry to have shamed the name of Christ through my sin and choices. God, I ask for your forgiveness and to accept me back into your arms again.

I promise to renew my thoughts and actions align with Christ's and to bow my desires to His throne. I promise the Victoria each of you sees will soon be the one everyone sees. I promise this Victoria will be led in every deed by Christ's will and love, that this version of me will be the best it can be.

Christ's version is, the best version of Me.

A Piece of My Heart

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.


Hebrews 12:1-3


The summer has been long, with a wide mix of emotions. Here I am, about to start my final week of camp. By God's strength, I've endured. I remember, about two or three weeks ago, I was feeling done and ready to go home. I never thought I'd make it to the end. The problems and tasks seemed so big, God felt so far. What I thought I was hearing from Him wasn't what was occurring. Trial after trial came after us, issues I've never dealt with in all of my camp ministry experience, and we wrestled with whether God wanted us to continue to endure our trials, pushing through them in the only ways we knew how, or if God was trying to shut doors we were shoving open. Personally I struggled with this, as I became sick from the stress, lost my best friend here because she decided she was done, and was lost without knowing how to improve or move forward. I struggled with feeling as though I was in an unhealthy environment, and whether I needed to take of myself, or push through. As I talked to my Dad, he reminded me about the disciples, Paul, and martyrs around the world - they weren't always in the healthiest of environments either. But God asked them to continue to lean on Him, and He will be faithful to His promises. I knew deep in my heart God had called me to this ministry. In the last week, as I pushed into Christ and the relationships around me, something new happened. Where I slammed a door shut two weeks ago with a possible future, God was slowly nudging open and showing me how I could trust Him. How what I was doing was making a difference, and how He isn't done yet. I had one final struggle (so far) though. I was empty, exhausted, and tired of taking care of everyone else. Any weekend event, I was the one responsible for everyone. All through the week, I was an intense part of keeping camp running so the counselors could focus on their kids, and as I was over young teenagers, at times I felt like a counselor myself as I worked through their problems with them. While I am so thankful for the opportunities God is giving me, to continue to pour into others, with the leaving of my best friend and one-on-one person... I was struggling to be fed. Every moment seemed like I was giving to someone else.


So yesterday, I set my boundaries and pulled back. Calling it my "no responsibility" day, I hung out in my bed. I realized I was trying to run the race God has given me, but I was trying to run it by myself. We have a policy here at camp, that when you go running, you take a partner. Today, during church service, I realized I needed to acknowledge my running partner in God, and not just continue the path on my own. He held my water and good shoes. He provides my breeze and easy trail. On the hard trails, He's there right beside me. Yesterday, into today, God not only gave me opportunities to be productive, but provided ways for me to relax. I started and finished a book, relaxing in reading wasn't something I had time for at all earlier in the summer. I was able to practice guitar a little, something else I was really missing in my busy day. I got ahead on some paperwork, folded majority of the camp laundry, and reorganized the laundry room so it wasn't daunting for everyone. I found time with a friend, as we spontaneously went swimming in our clothes and I kept dunking her because she couldn't dunk me. In all these things, I felt my spirit being filled and my hope grow. The big issues I saw, my piles of laundry and things to do, started to not seem so daunting to myself, either.


I could not believe how much God had renewed my energy. This morning, I went with some camp people to my favorite church here. It was such a relief to not feel like I had to take charge, and that we could just be a small group of friends hanging out. While in service, the pastor talked about finishing the race, with God, in intimacy with Him. How intimacy with God creates dependence on Him, leading to obedience to His voice, which ultimately leads us to joy. I realized how this summer, I was lacking joy as I thought I had my job all together, because I wasn't doing it with God. I lost sight of God wanting a say in how I managed dishes or the laundry. I saw my side of camp life as material and lacking need for the Spirit. There were times when I wouldn't give my all because I was tired, or I was hot, or it was "good enough". But God gave me a will and a renewed spirit today. I came home from church ready to continue doing laundry, cleaning up to start a new week, and finished up a few projects I kept putting off because they "weren't a huge deal". While I would normally feel exhausted, especially with how hot and humid it is, I feel joy and appreciation in getting jobs accomplished.


God showed up in another way, too. We sang the first song in worship today, and I just wasn't feeling it. At the church I go to, they only open with one song, with most of their worship at the end. I was partly scared I wouldn't have the spirit filling I needed before the start of this week. After the first song, I was just praying God would give me the experience I needed with His Spirit today. The church service continued with the fantabulous message I already talked about, but God wasn't done yet. In the last time of worship, God continued to show me pieces of Himself. Even when I can't see God, He is constant, and I need to remember His goodness, not only relying on how I feel Him in the moment, but on His promises, because His promises are always true. I was reminded of times in the past when I just felt completely embraced by God, Whether it was dancing with Him in the cornfields or seeing His beauty in a child... my God is constant, and His promises are always true, continuing to be true. The God I encountered in these Spirit filled moments is the same God I seek after in the valley of emptiness, and He will fill me again as I seek after Him.


After church, we always have an altar call of prayer time. As my time here comes to an end, I'm wondering exactly what to do next. I have some vague answers, but not any complete. As I was asking God if He wanted me to seek prayer, He said no. Don't do the altar call and ask Me to give the prayer team answers to give you. I realized I hadn't been in much prayer myself regarding this fall, and God wanted me to seek after Him myself, because He wanted to share His great plans with me. I was reminded again of how God wants an intimate relationship with me, to share His surprises and plans in my life with me. While prayer with others and for others is important, we can't forget to seek after God for ourselves, too.


As I have such a strong link to my church home here, I feel God has taught me what home really is. I would always laugh at myself as I referred to everywhere as home, whether in Madison, Uganda, Kenya, Galesburg, or Rolla, I would make so many comments about "when we get home" or "its at home" and the people around me would have to clarify where I meant, typically being back at where ever I was sleeping for the time. I see home as being where God wants me to be, and I'm thankful He has given me such a love, acceptance, and belonging in each place that I feel safe enough to call each of my adventures "home". I realized how thankful I am to have so many homes, so many places I belong, as I minister to kids who sometimes feel they have no home or place to go. So as I head home to Galesburg in a week... it hurts to be leaving home, too, and continue to pray for those who have no home to find the place they belong.






I know, this blog is a little more rambling and sporadic than most of my posts, with more topics and points than I would normally put, and still a few I left out, but I feel God wanted me to share all of it. Whether one piece or all affect you or not, I do pray something stands out, and I know God has a reason for it, if nothing other than for me to process the things He has done in these last few days. I have left a piece of my heart here, but have gained so much in return.


You're fantastic and amazing!

One Last Bag of Viva

Viva is one of my favorite foods. The trouble? This delicious cereal (though I eat it like candy) is only available in Europe, specifically purchased by me in Romania. When I went almost a year ago, I brought home something like 12 bags of this heaven on earth. A day or two would go by, and I'd eat some more. Share it with friends or give it to my fellow Romania travelers, having already run out of their stash. Slowly, my pile decreased, until only one bag of chocolaty goodness remained.

I remember thinking I would use it to celebrate. Something. Maybe I'd open it at new year's, but that passed by with me wanting to have it on the day I left for Africa instead. Then, I thought, this bag will taste even better if I waited until I got HOME from Africa, as that'd be a great accomplishment. Upon coming home, though, I pushed off the award for something else. And then other events would pass by, and I always would put the bag away, thinking the next accomplishment would be truly worth the prize.

Having brought the bag with me to camp, I thought I would use it to celebrate the first successful week with campers. The week passed by, and I decided I would enjoy my last bag on a rainy day, as a pick me up instead, as a reward of having made it through a day I struggled.

As days have passed, some more stressful then others, others more stressful than that, the bag lays in my secret food stash. Every night, I justify myself in why I could open my last bag of Viva. This happened, this broke, I'm sick, I'm grieving.... but each night, I remembered how I made it through, and how days will be better. How this honestly was not the worst day ever, and how more things could have gone wrong, but didn't. I remember the little joys, of a baby held or the face on my staff when they learn a new skill. So I put the bag away, close the chapter of the day, and look forward to the sunrise of a new story, with some new adventure.

Although, at the end of this summer... I better enjoy the bag of Viva before what was fantastic turns into a stomach ache :)

Go? No!

I could hear God's voice in my ear...
"Go, Tori. I want this for you."
"I don't want to. I don't need it, I'm okay."
"Will you please let me show you something?"

Sunday morning, I visited a new church with a friend. After two weeks of training at camp, I was exhausted and woke up with a raging sore throat, headache, and nausea. I knew it wasn't going to be a good way to start the first week with campers.

The church was absolutely fantastic. While it wasn't quite the cleanest on worship, and the speaker wasn't quite what I was used to (she also wore her sunglasses on her head the whole time... whoops!), I could feel the Holy Spirit moving. The service had a time for praying for another church in the community, as well as time to receive prayer at the alter.

As the time for prayer came, I knew God was calling me to ask for prayer. To receive healing, as well as His blessing into this next week. I felt my anxiety rising. I did not want to go. A completely new church, in a new state, with a friend I have really just met and didn't know how she would react or think of me making such a bold move.

I know God wishes for my obedience. As I attempted to reason with Him, to have the voice in my head be content with staying in my pew, a lyric from the worship set enters my mind.

"When you say go, I will go. When you say wait, I will wait"

And while I don't remember the rest of it, I remembered enough. I had just sang my praises, my commitment and promise to Christ. That when He said to go, I promised I would go!

Up to the alter I went. Onto my knees I fell. Tears fell for no reason other than God's grace and patience. A woman I didn't know prayed for me, and as she prayed for healing, rebuking the enemy in his silly schemes against my health, my throat was soothed. In a moment, my raging pain had ceased. Glory to God!!

While I still had my headache and nausea, God showed me so much. He is the Healer. He is asking me to be dependent on Him, to continually ask for healing and seek after His direction. When He says go, I have got to Go!!




A little more on this church family: My friend and I were welcomed into a home if we had no place to stay on the weekend (we do, but it was super amazing, too!) and when we went out for lunch, a group of older couples from the church invited us over to their table. The church home felt right, and we felt completely welcome. They, and we, are so excited to see each other at church again on Sunday, and to find a community home in a land so far from our own.

I cannot thank God enough for His healing, provision, and loving community. Yay, God!!!!

What's going on, What's next... Where are you?

Hey Friends!!

I'm sorry it's been so long. When I got home after graduation on March 14, my computer decided it would have issues connecting to internet, and I didn't exactly wish to publish a detailed update from my phone. But hey, I'm back, and excited to fill you in!!

The last five weeks or so, I've been living back home in Galesburg. My owners at Dairy Queen are absolutely amazing, and allowed me to continue where I left off these 7 months ago now. In addition to making ice cream and taking your order at drive-thru, I've been babysitting, attending some community activities, and volunteering at church.

I'm thankful many ministries I was a part of have welcomed me back, including the Jr High ministry with my 8th grade girls, and our Mom's ministries. Coming up, I'm looking forward to helping with Single Mom's Morning Out, an event where single mom's have the opportunity to get pampered with a massage, hair cut, car cleaning, nail painting, and much more! At this event, I will be a part of the nail painting, something I've never done. I'm excited to learn, though, and to connect with the women God wants me to pray for and bless. The other event coming up is during our bimonthly morning mom's ministry, where I will be subbing a class for the upper elementary home schoolers at the end of next month. My church has been great about providing new opportunities for me to grow and learn!

Speaking of my church, the last Sunday I am home I will be doing a children's presentation about my trip to Uganda and Kenya. We are also in communication to set up an adult event, so I will let you know when such an event is finalized!

Don't feel like you can only talk to me at an event, though. I love telling about what God did and is doing in Uganda and Kenya and how He grew and strengthened me during the last six months with YWAM, so please do not hesitate to call me or set up a coffee date before I go. Trust me, I have plenty of time to devote to you.

So.. what's next?

While I have talked about this opportunity before, I would like to share more with you. Memorial Day weekend, directly after my sister's high school graduation, I head to Rolla, Missouri to minister at Camp David.Camp David of the Ozarks is a 501c3 nonprofit Christian summer scholarship camp uniquely designed to meet the needs of children of prisoners. Their mission statement is to be a transforming agent in the lives of families of prisoners by introducing them to the love and hope in Jesus Christ, and to develop leaders who will impact our world. Here, I will be a part of their leadership team in the role of Support Staff Leader. This means I will lead a group of 10 to 14 individuals, some of whom used to be campers themselves, in the duties of dishes, janitorial, and other such tasks. The first week down in Missouri will be leadership training, followed by a week of staff training. Then, campers arrive. After about two months of week long camps, my last day will be around July 31st (details haven't quite been worked out).

And then?????

The big question. What the heck are you doing next fall. and, well....







I don't know.





Right, I don't know. For those of you who know me pretty well, that surprises you.

Because I truly don't know.



Having been accepted and soon registering for classes at the local community college, Carl Sandburg, that could very well be an option. I would continue working at DQ and volunteering at the church as I work towards an eventual bachelor's degree in business or counseling.

I have a different desire, though.
A dream, you may say.

You see, God has called me to urban ministry in Chicago. Exactly how, when, or with what organization has not come to light (prayers towards this would be appreciated...) but a lot can happen in the next five months to make that calling happen soon, especially with the relationships and contacts I could develop through the opportunities God has provided me with.

I thank God for the opportunities He has bestowed on me, and His blessings. It is such a joy to still have a bed at home in Galesburg, to have a job within days, a church community wanting to welcome me back. He continues to guide, in His timing, and as long as I have the next step, I see myself in pretty good nail pierced hands.


Love you all and blessings,
Tori

Necessities of Life

What does every human need to live?

Food.

Water.

Shelter.

Now, what does every first world country seem to need in order to live?

Internet

Electricity

Phone

Car

Running water

Well built house

For two weeks, I observed communities lacking the American view of life. For another two weeks, I lived that way myself.

These places lacked internet, electricity, cars, running water, and the houses were made out of mud. 

Guess what, though? They were LIVING. At times, more than I daresay us in America, as so many of us are glued to TV and computer screens.

You see, I question our standard of life. 

In the village of Ugunja, where I lived for two weeks, most houses weren't even accessible by car as we walked through the trees. Families lived together, generations on a plot of land, being there for each other. It was common to go visit your neighbor without warning them, or for a visitor to come without beckons. They worked hard, developed relationships with each other, and while food or water may not always be easy to get, they understood the concept of God's provision.

While there, we didn't have water or electricity. Yes, I survived. In fact... those were some of the simplest, most calming weeks of the trip. Our team grew close together, we had conversations with each other. When you don't have the distraction of a phone or TV, conversations happen! 

The lack of the "first world necessities" wasn't because the village was dirt poor. No, they weren't rich... but when a whole community lives this way, I question the need as well. Not only that, but even if they could afford running water, that means pipe lines getting laid all throughout the area, pipe lines that weren't there. This is what they grew up in, most people lived their whole lives here, so they didn't know what they were "missing out on", nor did they have the "staying connected" reasons we do. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the amenities we have. With it, I can stay in contact with my friends in Germany, Romania, Uganda, and all over the states. I can cross the ocean in a few hours, a trip to Chicago is common. For many in the village, the area they were born may be all they know. A trip to Nairobi, an eight hour bus ride away, isn't a trip taken lightly. 

I don't tell you these things to pity the people I met.

In fact, I tell you these things so we can begin to rid ourselves of the mindset that these people are less than us because they have to travel a kilometer for water. 

I tell you these things so we can stop pitying them, and blaming them for their lives, saying they waste their money and resources, just because google isn't a click away.

I ask that we measure rich and poor by the community around them, and see what the real needs are. In my opinion, these villages don't need the means to plumbing and electricity, as much as they have a need for education. Education for a job, for care of children, proper hygiene, agriculture, and taking care of their land and community. Not for a Western education system, but an education that fits their culture and their world. 

"[The organization] gave me a cow so I could have income and a better life. But I lack the money to feed the cow. Many days, I go hungry so the cow can eat." -a Kenyan villager

I ask to redefine our standards of life, to be thankful for what we have, and to understand a village before we judge or pity the people. I ask us to see what the true needs are, needs exempt from our Western lens. 

I ask us to love them as they are, and not ask them to become like us.

To Africa and Back

Thank you all for your prayer support these last two months!! There are so many situations and opportunities that I saw God so present and working, looking out for my team and I, and it's all helped by your prayer support! I apologize so much for not updating you all during the trip, outside of my Facebook page. Between our busy days and a lack of computer or internet, I was unable to devote the time I really wanted to to update you all.

There are so many memories and stories, its hard to know where to start. Here's a general overview of locations, as well as our ministries with a few stories and memories. I hope you enjoy!

January 5 through January 18: YWAM Torch Base, Jinja, Uganda.
Ministries: door to door evangelism, childrens' programs, an island medical clinic, and church services.
Favorite Memory: While in a village called Mesesa, we did door to door ministry and a chilren's program. My heart broke as these kids, that I only just met, felt safe enough to fall asleep in my arms and chose to cling to my skirts. I loved having a child asleep in my arms as I helped run duck duck goose or sang along with the kids.
Culture fun: Went to the Source of the Nile in Lake Victoria and went swimming in a pool

January 18 through January 25: YWAM Hopeland Base, Near Jinja, Uganda.
This week was very rejuvenating for our team as we spent a lot of time in worship together, played ultimate Frisbee, and did an amazing ropes course.
Ministries: Prison, door to door and loudspeaker evangelism, a disabled childrens' home, a childrens' program for the missionary kids, cleaning a shed, and agriculture.
Favorite Memory: At the disabled childrens' home, this was a little girl named Rashida. While many of the kids were mentally handicapped, she had a physical handicap in her calves. Brook (my leader), a little boy named Peter, Rashida, and I all went on a walk down the road. Peter would go and pick flowers for Rashida to have. On the walk back, he got extremely tired and didn't want to go on. Rashida noticed, and moved over on her wheelchair so he could join her on it. At the most, Rashida was maybe 8 years old. I was so encouraged by her joy and care for Peter.
Culture Fun: Everywhere we went, throughout Kenya and Uganda, we were called Mzungu. This means foreigner. So as we went through villages, we heard the calls of the children saying "Mzungu, Mzungu! How are you?" and the only response they knew was "Fine, how are you?".

January 25 through February 7: Ugunja Village, Kenya. A remote area with no electricity or running water, or any doors on our squatties :)
Ministries: School visits, home visits, church services, 2 day pastor seminar
Favorite Memory: At a home visit, we met a woman named Monica. A few days before our visit, she found she couldn't stand up or walk anymore. We spent a half hour praying for her, where she was soon able to stand and move her legs. Over the next few days, we persistently prayed, visiting her a few more times. Last I've heard, she has been able to take a few steps confidently, getting better each day. This was one of the places I truly knew God was personal and was speaking to me, hearing my prayers. We had prayed for her the first time, and she was scared to even try standing. We were praying for her again, and I specifically asked God to give her confidence to stand on her own, that we wouldn't have to prompt her to stand. As my prayer ended, we were quiet, and she moves to stand on her own. Each time we prayed, she grew stronger. Not only was God's glory shown to the people of her compound that God is powerful and answers prayers, but our team was rejuvenated and refreshed, our excitement and spirit filled again as we watched God move. God shows His power and glory when he chooses, and he taught us that persistence and love are key.
Culture Fun: On one of our off days, we went to a water fall. We heard there was a hippo up river, so our contact took us up. Next thing we know, this little island on the other side (where the hippo was) is on fire. Then 20 feet up river, another fire starts. We figured out that the Kenyans were starting fires for us so the hippo would come up out of the water. By the time they were done, there were six or seven fires going. Only in Africa...

February 7 through February 18: Niarobi, Kenya
Ministries: Maximum security prison, youth prison, youth groups, slums/dumps, soccer, disabled childrens' home, and church services
Favorite Memory: Honestly, I don't know where to start with this. By far, this was my favorite week of ministry. The opportunities we had were so diverse, different each day and most were completely new experiences. While at the maximum security prison, I spoke at a church service of about 250 prisoners. I was super nervous, because it was my first time really speaking in front of a church on the trip. After I was done, the pastor gets up to speak, and says I said all he was going to say, and that he would just finish my sermon. God completely gave me the topic to speak on, because it wasn't really one I would be able to figure out on my own. That morning reassured and encouraged me so much, giving me confidence to speak twice more that week.
The disabled childrens' home was so joyous. I was so happy to be seeing the kids' faces light up as we painted their faces and fed them lunch. They just longed for hugs and physical contact. They would sing and dance with the music playing, so perfectly beautiful. Not ashamed to say that I left there crying.
Culture Fun: On our last day of ministry, we went to a worship conference at one of the churches we had visited a few times that week. For four hours, we sang, danced, and worshipped. Legit, fantastic African dancing. Now that I think about it, I'm reminded of Zumba dancing. That active and rigorous. I was so exhausted and sweaty by the end, but so refreshed. There was no better way to end our time of ministry.

Some awesome foods:
Chapoti (kinda like a thick, greasy tortilla)
Posho (flour and water. In Kenya, it was a dense, cake like texture, while in Uganda, it was more like a watery rice texture.
Sugar cane
Rolex (Chapoti with an egg)
Drinking chocolate
Mangoes
Horned Melon
Types of Soda: Passionfruit fanta, Pineapple fanta, Mirinda, Novida, Krest, Kale

We also ate a lot of rice, beans, pineapple, watermelon, and tea!

Some words in Swahili:
Tupa : Throw
Paka : Cat
Chair : Kiti
Nipe : Give me
Jesus : Yesu
Baby : Mtoto

Tupa Paka : Throw the cat
Bafu iko wapi : where's the bathroom
Kwenda Uko : Go away

Feel free to ask me any questions! No question is too silly:)

What's next?
Currently, I am in Madison, WI doing debrief with YWAM. Next Friday, we start stateside travel, visiting churches, schools, and youth groups telling about our various trips. After about a week and a half of that, we will return to Madison, WI for a financial seminar and preparing for graduation. Graduation will be on Saturday, March 14.

After graduation, I have no clue what I will be doing. Much of the decision depends on a job, a place to live, and wanting to continue in some of the activities I have in Galesburg. Please be praying for me as I try to figure out adult life:)

This summer, I will be working at Camp David in Rolla, Missouri. Camp David holds week long camps for children of parents who are or have been in prison, within a two hour radius of St Louis. While I am not sure yet of my exact position, I am excited for this amazing opportunity to grow and challenge myself as I solidify the changes God and I have made in my life throughout DTS.

Recently, God has confirmed His calling in my life for urban ministry. While in Nairobi, I felt so at peace and comfortable in the city, yet challenged by the needs of the people. I realized how many of the issues I was actively exposed to there are ministries I can participate in in an American city. Between prisons, refugees, at risk children, poverty, and immigrants, all ministries I have a strong heart for, I can find them all in the city. I have an opportunity to work in Chicago, Minneapolis, or St Louis come autumn, so please join me in prayer these next few months as I ask God where He would like me to go and what organizations to work with.

Thank you, everyone!

Everything, New Year's, 47 hours away

Everything

My Ugenya (Uganda and Kenya) outreach team felt we were supposed to prepare this skit to do at churches or other evangelism opportunities. The video follows a girl's story of fellowship with God, in aspects of creation, then her temptation into sin. Several struggles follow, such as guys, money, alcohol, models, and eventually a fall into depression with cutting and considering suicide. She throws the gun down, running to God, but all the demons of her past fight against her, pulling her back as she runs to God. God breaks in, cleansing her from her past, so she joins back in fellowship with Him. In our version, we also added an intercessor friend who is praying for the girl throughout her struggles. Before we started practicing, we prayed to ask God which parts He desired us to have. Well... God asked me to be the main girl. Her story follows so closely to my own life (see a previous blog post from September, "No One Else Can Play Your Part") that I felt God wanted to do some further healing in me by physically acting out this part. Today, we ran through the whole thing a few times (I hurt!), and I already feel God working and having me see how far I have really come from my past. This skit has touched millions, so I'm super excited to be a part of a change in another's life, as well as see healing in my own. After outreach, I'll be sure to post a video of our performance in Africa. Please, take a second and pray for me because I don't act.. at all... and this part is difficult, as well as exhausting and painful.

New Year's
New Year's Eve was spent a little differently this year. The past four years, I've been about an hour away at Expeditions Unlimited with my high school youth group. We'd always have tons of food, playing Dutch Blitz and Just Dance. This year, though still in the bitter cold, was basically spent packing and cleaning, which did keep me up until midnight! A year ago, I'd never imagined this is where I would be. I was imagining myself at Cedarville studying elementary education, basically having the next three years figured out. Now, I'm leaving the country for two months to go to a new continent and have no clue what I'll be doing come this next September. Looking back, I've grown so much. My dependency on Christ and Father has grown immensely, with a knowledge of how much more growth there is still. A deeper relationship with Him, an everlasting peace, and so much security in my faith... I wouldn't trade this year for anything. He has done so much, I can't even imagine how much more He is going to do!

47 hours
At 10:30 pm Saturday, I will be sitting on a plane, probably freaking out over one of the greatest adventures of my life. Our first flight will take us to Philly, then to Qatar, followed by our final flight into Uganda. After a total travel time of 48 hours, we will arrive at our destination just in time for supper and bed. The days leading up to this wonderful beginning are filled with skits, songs, prayer, and the dreaded packing. Our team time has been wonderful, filled with laughs and awesome times at the laundry mat. I am stoked to get closer to this team and to positively impact the people of Kenya and Uganda. We spend three weeks in Uganda, then three weeks in Kenya before we fly home. God is going to do some crazy amazing things! I will have some updates on my facebook and will try to post a blog or two (we only have one computer we will be sharing), but you can also 'like' the YWAM Madison facebook page for some short updates as well. I am so excited to come home and tell you all more about my trip!!

Another quick prayer request? That I quit losing things!!! :) No clue what's going on, but I can't find some of my outreach supplies. They'll turn up, but prayer is always appreciated.

On a more slightly-stressful-but-knowing-God-will-provide note, I am currently in need of $1250 for this trip. I ask that you prayfully consider donating towards my ministry among women and children at risk. At this point, please donate online at www.ywammadison.org/donate (be sure to put my name in the "Please designate my donation towards" box) or mail a check to P.O. Box 8503 Madison, WI 53708, with a separate note designating the amount for me. Thank you!

Thank you all so much for helping me get this far! I could not have done it without your support!

Love and Blessings,
Tori

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!
As we get ready for Christmas here in the states, I thought it'd be fun to look at how Christmas is celebrated in Kenya and Uganda, since I'll be headed over there in 12 days:)

 

Uganda

As I did some research, I found that much of the Ugandan traditions are similar to ours, especially as Uganda becomes more westernized. Only recently has gift giving and Santa Claus become popular over there, whereas it seems they have had Christmas trees for quite some time. There were a few traditions, though not as popular now, that I did find interesting. For instance, Ugandans used to decorate with balloons, cotton and colored toilet paper. As more families replace their real trees with artificial ones, the new year tradition of burning the Christmas tree is also going to the wayside. Personally, I would consider letting my future household have a real Christmas tree if it meant I could burn it a few days later:)

KENYA

In Kenya, the focus is not on materialism and commercialism, but really focuses on the celebration of the birth of Jesus. While they do use fake snow to decorate, other aspects of Christmas like Santa or trees are not present. Christmas is one of the most cherished holidays of the year. Commonly, people leave the cities, like Nairobi, and travel to their parents and grandparents out in the villages.

 

 

As I continued looking around online, I thought it would be fun to see some of the more... unique traditions from around the world.

 

Austria/nearby areas: Santa has a twin, named Krampus Night, whose job it is to beat and punish children who misbehave.

Spain, Portugal, Italy: As a part of the nativity, a Caganer (shitter in English) is included in the corner. The Caganer is a figurine, traditionally of a man, in the act of defecating, pants around his knees bending over with pile of feces at his heels. While once in traditional dress, the Caganer has changed to look like predominant political figures.

Norway: Households hide their brooms and men fire a shotgun outside to thwart witches and evil spirits on Christmas Day.

Japan: Reservations will be made at the nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken for a traditional Christmas meal.

Ukraine: An artificial spider and web are hidden in the tree and good luck is given to the one who finds it. A Ukrainian folk tale says that a poor widowed mother could not afford decorations for her family’s Christmas tree. One Christmas morning she awoke to find a spider had beautifully decorated the tree with its web, making for a very happy Christmas.

 

 

What traditions does your family have? Do you know why that tradition exists? In my own family, we always have a birthday cake for Jesus, where we sing "Happy Birthday" and read the Christmas story.

 

Have a merry Christmas and a happy 2015!!

 



God Help the Outcasts

♫ I don't know if You can hear me
Or if You're even there
I don't know if You would listen
To a gypsy's prayer
Yes, I know I'm just an outcast
I shouldn't speak to you
Still I see Your face and wonder
Were You once an outcast too?
I ask for nothing
I can get by
But I know so many
Less lucky than I
Please help my people
The poor and downtrod
I thought we all were
The children of God
God help the outcasts
Children of God ♫ – God Help the Outcasts, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

December 5 (last Friday) my school held a Hot Cocoa Thon. In this event, we bless the community by handing out 1000 cups of hot chocolate on the streets of downtown Madison. The temperature that evening dropped below freezing. We split up into four teams and handed out all the cups in about an hour. As we handed out cups, we were blessed by the conversations and connections we made with the community, especially the outcasts of society.

My team handed out the steaming hot beverage by the capital building. As soon as we got there, I saw Henry. Homeless, he had all his belongings with him as he settled in for the night at the bus stop nearby. Hot chocolate in hand, I walked over and gave it to him. Henry was so thankful for the warmth. He and I had a few moments of conversation before he laid down to sleep on his bench. In some ways, I gained some faith in our society as everyone let him be and no one told him to leave. In others, I watched people completely ignore him or give him mean, disgusted looks. Although I didn't have a chance to hear a lot of Henry's story, I know everyone has one, and everyone deserves some decent respect.

I also met George and Matthew as I was passing out the cups. George was under the heat of a vent behind an Ian's Pizza, so he was warm and the air smelled good. He wasn't there long, but he when I did see him, he was always willing to help people out and give them directions. He would say hello to all that walked by, while only a few would bother to even smile back. I was sad to not have more of a conversation, but I do hope he slept warm that night. A little after, we met Matthew. He was waiting for the bus to come, but wanting to tell us how encouraged he was by what we were doing. He kept thanking us and blessing us for being a blessing for the community. I was happy to be doing what I was doing, but having someone else encourage us in it made it mean so much more.

Philip. Oh, Philip. Where do I start with this crazy, awesome man. Another member of our group came along this man and later told us his story. Philip had a space in the shelter that night, but because of his drinking was asked to leave. He had something wrong with his foot (along the lines of a broken ankle or foot, from what I could tell), so he had crutches, but couldn't use them because the pad to the top of one somehow went missing. He ended up praying with us before we left (as our cups had run out) and he would say how we were in his house now, as we stood on the street. Although he was very abrasive and coarse, and perhaps offensive at times, he was harmless and pretty sweet as well. Yet, homeless and slightly drunk, injured and rough, he is a man avoided by many on the streets.

Some were connections we were able to further. There was a couple, where the man questioned if we had spiked the hot chocolate (we actually got this response a lot). The woman quickly rebuked him, saying no, that she had had our good hot chocolate before at FreakFest, our Halloween outreach event. She remembered Christ's goodness and hospitality she experienced then and was encouraged to experience it again. Much of Madison society, especially among the church, is against FreakFest and shuns the participants because it is an event full of drinking and drugs. You could say they are the outcasts of a typical church.

Another group met a lasting connection. There was a military man who was in the season of deeply questioning his faith in Christ. I hear this trial is one common in the military and that many fall away from Christ. He was so excited to meet us and hear what we are doing. The next night, a group actually met with him and went ice skating, having some great conversations. He's even coming and visiting our school later this week, with talk he may join my team for a week in Uganda. Before this event, he didn't have Christian friends to surround himself with. Now, many of our team has made a great connection, and Christ willing, have encouraged this man and cemented him into the faith. He is so curious, wanting to learn more about YWAM. Our team's current prayer is for God to guide him to his next step in faith, which could even be a DTS in the next few years.

Have you ever wondered what life Jesus would have had today? Where, or to who He would have been born? Born to an unmarried, poor woman. A refugee after they fled to Egypt to escape from Herod. At the time, homeless, born in a stable, the low of the low. Guys, Jesus was an outcast. He came to show us that even the least of these, our outcasts in society, are worthy of him, are worthy of the Kingdom of God. If we wish to be like Christ, to live as Jesus lived, we must love all of those around us, love that can be shown simply through a cup of hot chocolate and a conversation.

Another group met

A Humble Thanksgiving

"I'm thankful for the opportunities and circumstances I am blessed with, from being born exactly where I was to being made exactly how I am to being put in character building situations. Because of all this, I am and continue to grow in being fully equipped to glorify Christ. Oh, I'm also thankful for Dutch Blitz and for the fluffiest, most cuddly blanket ever."

Last night, we had our Thanksgiving Love Feast. A full Thanksgiving meal, with turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and apple pie. I especially love sparkling cider and hot spiced apple cider. Good stomach prep for family Thanksgiving next week. During the meal, we had great fellowship and talking with each other about our different family traditions. Some of ours focus more on football, others the parade, while I'm always excited about spending time with family and the great food. We also wrote on a little paper leaf what we were thankful for. After the meal, we all went up to the microphone and read off our leaf before placing it on the Thanksgiving tree.

As I sat watching everyone give thanks, I wondered why I was nervous. I'm just saying what I'm thankful for, and in my heart, I'm thankful for a lot. Why couldn't I just get up and say it? The ultimate issue came down to pride. Completely stupid and unchristian, but yes. I felt stage fright, which really boils down to not wanting to look like an idiot and embarrass myself (pride), but admitting thankfulness for something takes humility. While this doesn't seem to take a lot of humility, the act of thankfulness is a humble expression of gratitude.

I'm reminded of times I didn't thank someone, just because I was upset with them. My pride got in the way of expressing gratitude. I recall an instance when before Dad left for work, we had a huge fight that wasn't resolved before we had to leave. The next morning (Dad works night shift), I woke up to find apple juice on the counter. Dad had bought it for me on his way home, and dropped it off before he went off to run other errands.

Dang it.

Completely thankful for the apple juice, yet I did not want to tell him so. In my pride, I didn't even want to talk to him. I wanted him to apologize to me first, because I was "wronged". At the time, this gift of apple juice felt like manipulation, like now I had to respond and gift him with something, because I was in debt to him. In reality, my Dad was loving me, knowing that I loved apple juice and had wished for it a few days before. The Holy Spirit convicted me, and I thanked Dad for the apple juice... as well as apologized to him for the fight the night before. With this act of thankfulness and humility, I broke the chains of pride and arrogance and allowed a relationship to be healed.

We will also not give thanks if we feel we deserve or are entitled to what we are given. Here at the base, we get three meals a day (with enough left overs to make it five meals, our cooks are amazing). I can look at this situation and go "I deserve the food. I paid for this food anyway, was told to come live in community... of course they will give me food". This attitude comes out of a place of pride. My situation and food provision, as well as people willing to make the food so I can go to class, are blessings, not entitlements. When we humble ourselves to realize all things are a gift and a blessing, we are thankful for what we have been given and blessed with. As I learn and have a heart for at-risk children, I give thanks more and more for where I was born and the family I was born into. These aren't something I deserved or was entitled to, or simple coincidences... it was a blessing and a gift. Coming to this place of humility, I begin to really appreciate and take care of what I have. This, in turn, blesses others as I try to give them what was given to me.

You see, humility and thankfulness go hand in hand. As I grow in humility, I give thanks for the blessings I have been given. As I give thanks, I am humbled and see myself as I truly am, a daughter who is blessed in order to bless others.

Who doesn't love being thanked and appreciated for something they did? So I challenge you to do unto others as you would have them do, and give thanks to someone today. I promise you will love the feeling you get as you see their happiness in being appreciated.


"Do first, then teach" is one of the foundational principles of YWAM. So, I'll go first in this challenge. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for your prayer and financial support, and I thank you for your love and understanding as I share this journey with you.

God Bless, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Have We Done Enough?

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world" James 1:27

"Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." Isaiah 1:17

"If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?" James 2:15-16

"You shall not wrong a sojourner or oppress him, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt. You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child. If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry, and my wrath will burn, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall become widows and your children fatherless." Exodus 22:21-24

“‘Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’" Deuteronomy 27:19

"Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy." Ezekiel 16:49

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12

"He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing."Deuteronomy 10:18

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families" Psalm 68:5-6

"Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4

The Old Testament refers to "orphans" and "fatherless" forty-one times. These are only a small sampling on God's heart for these lovely creations, ones who have been forgotten, stepped on, and exploited by many.

There are so many ways I could go on with this, but I think I mainly want to focus on two issues that really stirred my heart, especially because I don't see the American church doing much about them.

The first is foster care in the United States. I personally know of two foster families. Two, out of all the Christian families I know. There are about 400,000 kids in the foster care system with more than 100,000 kids waiting for adoption... and a few of these homes are not the most ideal. These kids have gone through abuse, loss of parents, neglect, drugs, physical and mental disabilities... and end up traveling around a foster care system, trying to find someone to love them. 8,000 of these kids a year will either die or run away, probably into prostitution and gangs. What would Jesus do? What is he calling us to do? Jesus said "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven to those who are like these children" -Matthew 19:14 There is a family for every child who needs to be adopted, the question is, have you opened your heart? Most of us fear the pain of a child having to leave our home, sometimes going back to the very people the child was pulled away from. It hurts. But is selfishly avoiding pain we say we can handle through Christ worth more than loving our neighbor, one of God's greatest commandments? These kids are in the system. That's a fact. The variable is whether these kids are placed in Christian, loving families- ones we can provide- or are they placed in something less ideal? The body of Christ can provide safe, stable families- but are we? And do our peers, our fellow Christian brothers and sisters, supporting the foster families around us?
"For I was hungry and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger and you didn't take Me in; I was naked and you didn't clothe Me... Whatever you did not do for the least of these, you did not do for Me" Matthew 25:42-43, 45.

With my other focus... hear me out, and don't shove me out of the church yet.

Are you really pro-life, or are you just anti-abortion?

Do we act as though life begins at conception and ends at death- or simply ends at birth? 
"We fight and fight for the unborn but do relatively little for children who are dying every day from lack of clean water, food, or proper shelter."

As a church, have we provided the support single, low income, or scared women need to truly choose life? What about those mothers who are told their children will have disabilities- does she feel supported? Is the sin of premarital sex and shame over pregnancy, shame the church gives, truly more important than supporting a life? Are some women truly left with an option, or has the church abandoned supporting life for an anti-death stance? If I want a life to be saved, am I actually providing the support and the means for that life? How many mothers would have made a different choice if they truly felt they would have the support in that choice? Is the choice really a choice if a mother feels like she has no other option? I think so many mothers are on this path not because they "wanted to murder", but because they felt they had no other option.

Am I saying abortion is okay? No. It is a sin. I acknowledge it is wrong. But we are human beings with free will. We are allowed to make a choice. It isn't in my right as a Christian to take away free will, especially one the ruling government has already allowed. No, I wouldn't make the same choice, but I'm also not in her life and circumstances. As a church, I don't see us providing support to many of the girls who end up in these situations. We condemn the sin, which in most cases (of any sin) simply leads to more sin. Honestly... it would have been tough for me. Do I risk the shame and condemnation for premarital sex and getting pregnant, or do I hide it and have an abortion? I question the support the church should, as a Christ-like body, provide. I honestly wondered if I would have continued to be loved and accepted, welcomed in the church. I am not saying we condone the sin of premarital sex. I'm asking that we show love, as Jesus showed love, and justice, as Jesus showed justice. If we truly say we are prolife, we must be loving and caring for every pregnant woman, regardless of marital status. We must love and care for the child, regardless of physical and psychological challenges that child may run into.

Honestly, I wonder what I would have done. The "right" choice? Keep the baby. I know. I agree. But how much does the church cheer over this decision, or am I still left without support, dealing with the shame the next 9 months, even though Christ has forgiven me? Some say supporting me would communicate that sin isn't taken seriously and all young people should go have sex. But I question, at what cost? A baby's life, or death, is on the line!

 Do we accept the girl who had an abortion before she came to know Christ, or do our pro-life messages of murder and sin have her feeling condemned, shamed, and unloved? Does she risk not being accepted if she searches for the help she needs to overcome this trauma? She has repented- just as the rest of us have from our "better" sins of lying, stealing, drugs, and whatever else... because none of us are perfect.

Am I really in the right when I judge those who support abortion, calling them names, threatening them, bombings and shootings happening? Does that honestly reflect the desire of God's heart? Two wrongs do not make a right!

Are we really making a difference picketing in front of abortion clinics, "raining down God's judgement", or would we make more of a difference if we made a greater statement, one of action, on the sanctity of life. This does go back to foster care and adoption- if we take life seriously, getting every adoptable child out of foster care and into a loving family will always speak greater than me standing on the sidewalk with a sign of condemnation.

These women are our neighbors. The abortion doctors, our neighbors. The planned parenthood people? Oh, yeh, they're our neighbors too. God calls us to love them.

I apologize for my ranting, but I hope I have given you something to think about. Ask God yourself what he really wants you to do and feel. What is right in these types of situations? Seek God's heart and desire, I promise you will find it (Matthew 7:8)

Further reading, and what truly started my heart stirring, is a book by Johnny Carr called Orphan Justice. He tackles more of these two topics, as well as orphans and racism, HIV/AIDS, human trafficking, orphanages, poverty, spiritual warfare, as well as orphans and the church. (Side note: we spend millions on buildings and mortgages in American churches... yet let the orphan girl starve because she couldn't afford the $250 surgery to repair her cleft lip and open palate. Where are our priorities, again?)

Honestly? I don't blame the church. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34) We haven't been made aware of these issues. So I ask you, educate yourself, and be obedient to what Christ is asking you to do. Jesus loves you!