The Final Days

I am scared out of my mind.

I have packed twice, and I'm still freaking out over what to bring.

I don't have all of my funding.

I'm not even covered on insurance (yet).

This is my last week of income.

I haven't seen the school I'm going to, let alone the bed I'll stay in.

I know one person. And as rumor has it, we can't be our normal best friend selves (she's basically a counselor, and I'm a camper, in familiar terms)


I am scared out of my mind.


I feel irresponsible.

I don't feel prepared.

I'm anxious over meeting new people
                                    In a new surrounding
                                             in an environment I know nothing about.

I dislike not being able to plan ahead.

I would like to be able to imagine myself there, but I don't know enough, so I freak out.

I have no idea what the end result will be.


I am scared out of my mind.


As I struggle in these last few days before I leave, I see some of what God needs to change in me. I haven't completely given Him control.

He will provide for me.
                           In funding
                                  With health
                                            anything I may forget.
                                                     in unexpected expenses.

He has a complete plan for me
                                In what will happen at YWAM
                                              and what happens after.

He is going to take care of me.
                          with friendships
                                    with words to say, and words not to say
                                            with what to do, and what not to do

Even though I have all these unknowns, God knows it all.

He knows how and when my funding will come in.
He knows how the school looks.
He knows everyone going to the school.
He knows what I will end up doing in my life.
He knows who I'll make friends with.
He knows if I'll get sick, or if an accident happens.
He knows what I'm going to forget.

You see, God knows every single moment of every single day. And not just of my life, but the life of every single living thing on this Earth. With an omnipresent, caring, loving Lord, the Lord who created everything on the Earth, everything that was, and is, and is going to be, the Lord that knew my name before I came to be, how can I worry? Or rather, why should I worry?

My worry shows that I do not have complete faith in Him.

So worry, after being overcome, will make my faith stronger.

God is not only teaching me to trust him completely and to hand over control, which is a hard lesson itself, but He has one other that I have seen... along with a few I haven't, for sure ;)

I feel like I have to constantly be perfect... otherwise I'm not good enough for those around me. To not have my funding already makes me feel irresponsible. To forget to pack something, that will probably end up being something important, will serve to make me feel more irresponsible.

God is teaching me its okay to make mistakes, and to not always have it together... because He still loves me anyway. Then, when by my own effort my tasks are not accomplished... God's glory is beautifully revealed in a way more powerful than if I hadn't struggled so much. For when I am weak, will my tasks be accomplished by His strength and not my own.

These are the struggles and lessons I look forward to. I'm pretty excited, though, about the joys that will come.

Living in a Christian environment with a few dozen others.
Strengthening a relationship with a best friend.
Getting deeper into God's Word
Recognizing and growing closer to God
Being challenged in ways I haven't been challenged before.
Becoming who I am meant to be, and not what others think I should be.


As scary as it is to suddenly be independent, as much as I hate it, I'm excited. I shied away from independence, and stayed where it was safe. Letting my parents make decisions, or those around me just decide for me. I'm looking forward to being in a place where I have to be on my own. Where I am forced to make decisions, because without being forced... I still would choose to let someone else do it. It was always a way to protect myself, because if something went wrong, it wasn't because of a decision I made.

There's so much that's going to happen ahead, but God provided a door through YWAM to get out of some bad situations I had gotten myself into.
                   A minimum wage job that was making me cry most every day.
                                 An inappropriate, tempting friendship
                                                 Responsibilities that I couldn't handle
                                                               A reputation I didn't mean to create.

There are things that I am sad to leave behind, but I see it now as growing up. These things I miss? Some of them were high school related, and would have been over anyway. Friendships would have changed as we went away to college, or got "adult" jobs. I wanted the comfort of my childhood, a change that was inevitable in its coming... and I was too afraid to truly face.

I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone. To shed the chains of perfection and worry, to embrace the woman God created me to be. I'm ready to see what great things God chooses to accomplish through me, after I've hidden for so long.

 

 

Oh, Great and Mighty One with one desire we come
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

 

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 Prayer:

-Basically everything in this update.

-That the insurance I found will come through and be successful.

-Safe travels up to YWAM

-a calm heart

 

Funding:

Last YWAM update said I was still in need of $1945. I have part of that pledged, so I am still in need of about $1100 for tuition.

No update yet as to outreach funding.

 

God Bless!!!