I sincerely apologize for not keeping you all more updated.
This last month has been so hectic and about halfway through, my laptop charger
broke… so it was a struggle to do much of anything! I’m also contemplating the
best way to share the things God has shown me and what I’ve learned. It’s so
much every day, I have to pick out what really stood out to me.
SURVIVOR:
In extremely basic terms, Survivor was a crazy intense
camping trip. Everything was going okay until the second night, when the staff
(who weren’t staying with our group of 15 or so) told us a huge storm was
coming and the temperature and wind chill was going to drop farther than we
were prepared for. Only half our group or so was at the campsite when we found
out. So a few left with an extra backpack each, leaving five of us with our
supplies and the rest of the group’s supplies. We thought we would be helpful
by taking ALL the supplies with us and just meet the rest of the group at the
road so not everyone had to tromp back and find the campsite. So I’m carrying
my backpack and sleeping bag, a backpack on my front, and a trash bag with
another backpack and a sleeping bag. Now, for a twenty-minute trek, this isn’t
too bad. But when you lose the barely marked trail to the road and end up being
lost in the woods for an hour and half….
There’s five of us, lost in the woods. No phones, gps,
radios… nothing but our flashlights and everyone’s stuff. It was raining and
nighttime. We knew we had to keep moving, we had no other option. Eventually we
would find something, right? About halfway through, we found an electric fence.
I was ecstatic. We had a straight line to follow! And the other side of the
fence was cleared farmland, so I knew following the fence would lead us to some
sort of farm road. So we follow this path where we eventually see two creepy,
yellow eyes. My heart skipped a beat, but I knew it was a type of farm animal.
We had a Canadian girl with us, who decided it was a bear and takes off into
the woods. After we slowed her down and convinced her going back to the creepy
eyes was our only option, we headed back. Where we found six sets of creepy,
yellow eyes staring at us. Guys, black cows in the dark are creepy. I cannot
stress how creepy. At some point in this journey, I got stubborn. I had to do
something. So I climbed a tree, that I swear now should not have held me. We
eventually had a clear path, where we met up with our rescuers. Yay, right?! At
this point, we are soaked from the steady rain falling, our feet were swimming
in our shoes, and as soon as we got back to safety, all my muscles started
hurting.
The glory of the story isn’t that we have a crazy awesome
story to tell, but how God showed us He will take care of us, even if it isn’t
in the way we envision. Right before getting lost, a staff member gave my
Canadian friend a winter coat to borrow. Earlier the day, that same girl had
strained a tendon severely, but didn’t know it at the time nor felt any pain
the whole day, until after we were back to safety. He also gave us comfort, as
none of us were cold or hurting even though we had all this weight, were
wondering in the woods (I mean woods that have not been trekked through before.
No paths, at all.), and it was constantly raining, so completely soaked
through. He gave me safety as I stupidly climbed a tree and made it so the bull
was not in the field with the cows. Because of where another group had shelter,
they saw our flashlights and were able to let the staff know a more specific
area, instead of acres and acres of land. He also kept us calm in crazy
circumstances until we were safe. After we were found, our shelter for the
night was also the best one of all of them, since we had a working bathroom, a
dryer for our clothes, mattresses, and people who brought us food. We also went
home the next evening, because snow was coming and the other shelters weren’t
prepared for that. God is good.
KISSES FROM GOD
A few weekends ago, I experienced my first anxiety attack.
It was technically my second, but the one after being lost in the woods I don’t
count because I had a justifiable reason. I really don’t know why I was feeling
so anxious and scared. My “safe” position, how I calm down best, is to lie
down, so I’m lying down on my back in the middle of the grass. Beating myself
up because I was scared and anxious for no reason, how I shouldn’t be because I
am safe and God has me, I started to feel tiny rain drops on my face. Nowhere
else was it raining. With each drop, I just heard God saying “I love you” and I
had the understanding these raindrops were kisses from Him. I felt such a calm
and peace, knowing God not only loves me but is in love with me. That He loves
me not out of an obligatory love a father has for a child, but like a lover
chooses to love and be in love. I still have my struggles and mistakes. I still
have anxiety attacks from time to time, but becoming one with God is an
exciting process and to have this moment with Him, where I truly felt His
presence in this Holy Spirit moment… came just at the right time to give me the
reassurance I needed to know I am right where God wants me to be, I am made in
His image, and He is excited by all things I do. Thanks, God.
UGANDA
First, I’ll explain this process. They set up outreach
locations in one room with some food and information, while another room was
worship and prayer. We spend some time in prayer and when you feel ready, you can go to the outreach room to pick your location. We can also go back to the prayer room if need be and staff was everywhere willing to talk and pray with us.
This day was a complete gift from God. I felt valued and
needed as I helped set up sound for worship and figured out why it wasn’t
working. This confidence boost prepared me for what was to come. During our time of prayer before going to the outreach room, Britta
and I got some struggles worked out. Britta is a staff member here, but has
also been my best friend for the last seven years. It’s an interesting dynamic
we are trying to work through, so this time to get a starting place for that
settled some peace in my heart. After this time, we had the option to go find
out outreach locations and choose, or we could stay longer in the room and
pray. The prayer and worship room was solemn, dark, and quiet, for good reason,
but I didn’t want that and I didn’t feel ready to find out locations yet. God
told me to go outside with my mp3 and worship how I wanted. So I’m listening to
tenth avenue north and spinning in circles, dancing with God. I remember
thinking how my Toms were getting wet, but then God replied with “so take them
off”. So I’m spinning around outside in the dark, on the wet grass, with no
shoes on. It was beautiful and wonderful, and I’m extremely glad our base is
out in the middle of nowhere. After this, I felt ready to find out locations
for outreach.
I had no clue what I was going to do. My calling has been
for Romanians, but I was wondering if God wanted me to do that with this trip.
I was questioning, if Eastern Europe was an option, if that was where God
wanted me to go in January and February. Well, Eastern Europe wasn’t an option,
so I didn’t have to worry about that. But I had no clue where to go then. I
remember immediately discounting Uganda because I have never had a desire or
itching to go to Africa at all. It was never a no, Africa just never came into
my mind at all. I was looking at the choices logically, until I walked up to
Uganda. Here, I heard God say “This is where you are going”. Haha, what? I
stood in the middle of the room, completely shocked. I was able to verbally
process with the director, a process that further confirmed Uganda as God's desire for me. The director allowed me to not rank the other countries, since he was positive I was meant to go to Uganda. I am
so thankful for this, because ranking the other countries would have put me
back in control and would have given me a chance to back out, or to sacrifice
so someone else could go. God was showing me that someone else would either
sacrifice this time, or the team would be bigger, but I was going. This showed
me how much of a complete hand God has in our lives. Talking to the director, I
found out Eastern Europe was almost an option, but for some reason God was
saying no. Britta told me, later, that she had been praying for Eastern Europe
to not be an option for my sake, as she knew that wasn’t where I was supposed
to go and wanted to spare me the struggle of choosing. Guys, God has a complete
plan for our lives. All we have to do is listen.
PRAYING ALOUD
One of the greatest things God has shown me to work on has
been praying aloud. I used to absolutely loath it. Never wanting to do it, I
always felt fake and impersonal. God has since shown me a different way. We do
a lot of intercessory prayer as well as praying what God brings to mind during
breaks in worship. It’s these unstructured times God will sometimes bring to
mind an idea or praise he wants me to declare for all to hear, and I’ve gotten
so willing and obedient in this way. It gets me so excited! Currently, I’m
working more on praying for another person aloud with her when I don’t know
what to pray for her, depending on God to give me the words to say because I
know the Holy Spirit will speak through me. I used to see praying for another
person as condescending, like “I can only pray for you because I don’t have
this struggle and you do”. I’m learning how to pray for my peers as equals and
to not worry about judgement that may come upon me, because I am in an
environment where prayer and ministry to others is so welcomed and expected. I
also struggle in structured praying aloud, like praying before a meal or to
conclude a service, but I’m getting there. Yesterday, I was challenged to pray
aloud for myself with my mentor, and I couldn’t do it. I still view praying
aloud as a ministry to those around me, so praying for myself doesn’t fulfill
that purpose. I’m getting there, though. I will say, too, I have come so far.
At the beginning of the month, I couldn’t do any prayer aloud at all. I prayed
and prayed God would help me with this aspect, so He has provided me with so
many opportunities and given me the exact words He wants me to say. I loved
answered prayers about praying.
CAMP DAVID
Camp David is a camp in Missouri, ministering to the
children of those in jail/criminal history. We stayed here one night, engaging
in worship and intercessory prayer for this place. I cannot express how much
God has blessed these people and is so pleased by what they do. I ask you to
look into this camp and see if God is asking you to respond in some way, from
prayer to volunteering to doing your own ministry. Even just this change in perspective,
because currently these children feel ashamed for their parent’s wrongdoing.
Watch yourself, keep this on your radar, and see that we become a culture that
looks at the individual for the individual and not for what their family has done.
FAITH LIKE A CHILD
Christ calls us to have faith like little children. To me,
this calls for obedience and willingness, trust and unconditional love,
forgiveness and dependency. The goal of Christianity is not to grow up, it
isn’t to slowly become more independent, taking control away from God and
understanding more of what He does. It’s to be obedient, believing that when I
need to understand, Christ will show me understanding. Willingness to just go
for it, like a child does, not worrying about the consequences. Trusting that
He has a plan and showing unconditional love to those around me, without
holding their past against them. To be like a child in dependency, relying
completely on God and not my own strength. Knowing He will always provide for
me.
You know how overjoyed a mom gets when she receives a
drawing from her child. Even though the people don’t look like people and the
house is in the sky, she utterly, completely loves it and hangs it on the
fridge. Even though the world looks at it as terrible, mom loves her child’s
work. This idea works with God, too. He takes my accomplishments, my obedience
even if I do make mistakes, and hangs it on His fridge to tell everyone “Look
at what my daughter did”. A child doesn’t look at her drawing and ask mom to
take it down, believing it isn’t good enough to go there. The child did her
drawing to her best ability, a beautiful masterpiece. In the same way, we
cannot decide what is good enough for God, when He has already said we are
worthy. He takes my best and loves it, adores over it, and blesses me in my
obedience.
REASON FOR THE CROSS
As I grasp God’s all-powerful, unstoppable nature, I started
wondering why Christ’s sacrifice had to happen. Don’t shoot me yet, just hear
me out. The concept of the cross being a “payment for sin” bewildered me. Who
was this payment going to? Why was the all-powerful, creator of the universe
being held back by a price tag?
Romans 5:8
“But God demonstrates his
own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (NIV)
“But God shows his
love for us…” (ESV)
“But God proves His
own love for us…” (Holman)
Our hearts were so hard, we would not have repented if the
innocent had not been slain. We would not have known we needed to change if we
did not see Christ suffer. Because of God’s love for us, Christ died for us so
our hearts would soften and turn towards Him.
When the centurion slit Jesus’ side, water and blood poured
out. This is the conditions met of dying of a heart attack. Jesus didn’t die
because of his suffering, or because of the weight of all our sins (seriously,
an all powerful being couldn’t handle all of that?) He died because He loved us
so much, His human heart burst!
His sacrifice wasn’t so a door between us and God could be
opened, His sacrifice proved His love so we would repent of our sins and walk
into the door.
The cost of sin wasn’t a price. It was pain on the people
around us and the pain we caused God as He saw us suffering because of our own
sins. Christ’s suffering showed the world how much hurt and pain our sin was
causing, hurt and pain that did not have to happen. Turning away from sin leads
to a better life of love for us all.
WORTH
I know I touched on this a lot with the diamond post last
month (wow, that long ago?!) but a few other things reinforced the idea from
the last few weeks.
I am worthy because Christ has given me worth and I was
created in God’s image and likeness. How can something God created be unworthy?
I am worthy because God created me. I was born with gifts he
destined for me, and I still have the choice to follow him. So I choose to use
my gifts for his glory and perfect plan.
To say that I am unworthy is to say God is unworthy, because
I am created in His image and likeness. No, I have not done anything to deserve
worth or love, but if I had, then it would not be me that the worth would be
in, but my actions and what I do. Not me, myself, nor I.
CHALLENGE
We consistently put limits on God. We believe in God, but we
don’t believe God. If He so desired, He could teleport me wherever I wanted to
go. He could make a thousand dollars appear in my lap. I believe He can and
sometimes does do these things, but have we asked? And have we asked with the
right motives? Have we recognized when our prayers were answered, but because
they weren’t answered in the way we expected, we chalked it up to coincidence
and said it wasn’t God? I’ve started doing this simply, by asking Christ to
show me scripture. He would put a reference in mind, like Luke 3, and what the
reference said would completely apply to what I needed from God at the moment.
This has been a huge step for me, because if the random things in my head are
not always of my own doing, then how much more around me must be revolving
around God’s perfect plan?
MY LECTURE IS PAID!
The night I was lost in the woods, I found out from my dad I
had received an anonymous $700 dollar donation. To that person, thank you so
much! It got me the last bit I needed to have my Sept-Dec schooling paid. Thank
you again to all of you that made my journey thus far possible!!
OUTREACH, ANYONE?
Traveling and ministry costs a little bit of money and a
whole lot of faith. So I ask you, again, to pray and ask God if He wants you to
help me minister to those in Uganda. I apologize for not having a specific
number yet, largely depending on airfare, but a general estimate is
$2500-$3500. As we meet in our outreach teams I will update as to what we hope
to do in Uganda, but some options are working in a babie’s home and working
with AIDS orphans.
Please, don’t be afraid by what you see in the news
currently surrounding Uganda. We know God has called our team there and He has
great work prepared for us to do. We leave with His blessing. With that,
continue to pray that our presence will be welcomed and we will be safe, as
well as the hearts of the people to be receptive to our love and ministry.
Prayer has power. Prayer still has the power to raise the dead, cast out
demons, heal the injured and sick, and perform crazy, unimaginable miracles.
The God of the Bible is the same God now, with the same power and abilities,
and He does continue to bless us with His power and love.
DISCLAIMER
Yes, I am crazy. Crazy in love with Christ and in an environment
encouraging and burning in this growth. So while some of it won’t make sense,
or seem really extreme, understand that these experiences and revelations are
difficult to explain unless you’ve been there. If you have never heard God’s
voice or experienced visions, then it’s hard to believe God does these things
at all. I liken it kind of to The WEEKEND (those from around Galesburg
understand). Until you went, it was hard to understand what everyone was
talking about and do excited for. To go a weekend without a phone and time was
sooo odd. Having been on it, those of us see why we do the things we do. YWAM
is the same way. You guys know me and know my character, my honesty and
discernment. Know that I check everything against the Bible and it all proves
true. Trust me and ask God for peace and understanding, knowing that though my
faith seems different, we all believe in the same God and have the same
ultimate commandment: to love God and love others. Just as God reveals His name differently to different people according to their need in the old testament, God is so personal lead me down a path I will understand, be comfortable in, a cultivate the growth He has in mind. This process will look completely different in different individuals, but its my blog, so its my journey ;) J Love you guys!
BY THE WAY....
More pictures are going up on my facebook :)
I will gladly accept mail and care packages;) Its honestly such a blessing to get an encouraging note or a picture from home. Message me if you would like the address:)
Feel free to send feedback or to ask me any questions. God is doing so much and I love to expound upon His glory and doings in the kingdom!
